Surrogacy, The Beginning

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

I woke up sweaty and sticky, startled and happy all at once. I had just talked to my darling grandma, she was actually drinking a cocktail with her friend Thom in what seemed like the evening. They were sitting at a table with this sweet baby girl, in an infant carrier, both shushing me and they were giggling, laughing, and making faces at each other as they often did.  Who’s baby is this? Why do you two have her? Don’t worry they said, we are taking care of her till she can come to you. I knew this was true.

“Why don’t you adopt,” or “why don’t you find a surrogate,” floated around amongst well meaning people whom I love, but to me the statements annoyed me. They kind of still do to be honest, I am not sure why, but what I have learned is I will never tell a mom or someone who wants a child these things. Some things people have to figure out on their own, this is one of them. Yes, we worried about my pain I experienced, the medications I had to be put on, my liver issues from the reorganization of my body after pancreas, the health of the baby. Something worse happening, all of it, fear. 

We called two agencies for adoption, I wanted to figure out time frames and costs. I called two agencies for surrogacy for the same. What I learned is that surrogacy was unattainable for us, and for most people, due to the cost, and that adoption was also another costly and emotional ride. I even signed us up for a foster care orientation, thinking we would only accept infants and if nothing else we could help a baby for a while, or we could get the chance to adopt the baby, which by the way is free but also not promised, so your heart and mind have to be on helping rather than adopting. 

In my heart and in my mind I knew I wanted the other embryo we had stored. Since we did IVF to have Michael, we had two embryos total from our cycle. One is Mikey, and the other was in a freezer in Scottsdale waiting for me. I did not know what God wanted, some days I felt like all he was telling me was to adopt a baby, because I would look online at families blessed by adoption and think maybe it was sign that I was drawn to their beautiful stories. My best friend is adopted, so many of my friends have been touched by adoption, but every night I thought about this baby of mine. It was something that I could not shake. 

My grandma died in 2015 and Thom passed away in 2018. This dream was shortly after he passed. I wanted to chalk it up to a crazy dream, my mom was close with Thom, I really wasn’t, but I swear it was real. I knew it then and I know it now. They kept my little baby’s soul until someone could keep her here on Earth for me. 

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