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She Holds on to Hope

Monday, February 15, 2016

 2/16/2015

She holds on to hope, for He is forever faithful.


As I go to bed tonight I am reminded of this night 4 years ago. I was terrified and wanted to live. I was facing a far from routine experience from a medical perspective, so much so that doctors are still fascinated with my history. At the time I was told my surgery had been performed 400 times, which is very little, and I know that number has grown. I asked my friend if I was going to die, and I made her promise me I was going to be okay. She reminded me of that today, she said she was equally as terrified and worried, good thing she didn’t tell me that then. I was 26, about to embark on a 14 hour surgery to remove a vital organ, reroute my entire internal system, and transplant my own cells to the liver to hopefully avoid brittle diabetes. 

Blogging for me was therapy, and my life depended on it. I was unable to go out with friends, unable to eat, unable to drive (because of all the medications) you get the picture. I weighed under 90 pounds and all I could dream about was one day getting married and having a baby. I thought those things wouldn’t be able to happen. I would curl up with my laptop and write for hours, many of the posts are still sitting in my log and never made it to the public. Today I tell people about my journey, but I think it seems unbelievable or maybe even exaggerated to people because of what I am like today. It was like a different life, with many different people in it than today, and I am fine with that. 

What could be even better than being 4 years out from a life of pain? 10/3/15 marked Coty and I’s commitment before God to spend eternity together, and that is the most hopeful and wonderful thing I have done in life to date. Our wedding was beautiful, but most importantly our love for each other is honest, kind, and true. I knew Coty was the one I should spend my life with when I was telling him, after knowing him for a week, that I needed to get my 2 year post op blood work done and how I was dreading more needles. He was a hunky professional baseball player who drove me to the lab before his practice, sat with me while I panicked and perspired so much my shoes fell off, and took me to a pancake breakfast after. I told him about my genetics, something that haunted me, because I was certain no man would want to sign up for that. He asked about what this meant for having children, we talked about it, and he said we could do whatever we had to do to have the family we both dreamed of, it was never an issue. I remember thinking this was what my mom must have meant when I felt so alone, God hasn’t let me meet the right person yet, it wasn’t the right time. 

Reflection on my former blog posts brings me renewed hope, my words were full of pain but full of hope for the future. I prayed more than I had ever prayed when I was sick. I cried more than I had ever cried when I was sick. I loved people more than I had ever loved people when I was sick. It really is true, my heart changed forever, my priorities changed forever. I found out that God would never leave me when I was sick, and I am not saying this because I am better. I am saying this because when I was in that dark place, I was never alone and I became certain of that over and over again. There have been many days of bumps in the road, it is tiring missing many organs, being a type 1 diabetic, and dealing with chronic issues that come from not having most of the digestive system, and God never leaves me hopeless. Thanks for the countless prayers, kind words along the way, and support! 
This prayer has been hanging inside my cross in my bedroom since I left for Tucson. 

The Lord never left me hopeless. 

ICU, just a few machines 

Getting stronger

She holds on to hope. 

The best day.

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