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Decisions

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Enjoying a great glass of chardonnay. 
Something I saw on Facebook and can't stop thinking about.
Also- something I could not have had time to think about months ago!


Ali, Jackie, and I on Cinco de Mayo! Arriba! 


Making decisions can be privileged. When you are fighting for life, decisions fall by the wayside. You no longer decide where to eat for dinner with your girlfriends, what to do for Cinco de Mayo, what to wear out on Friday night to ensure you look hot enough to get asked for a phone number (yep, guilty). You don’t care about what new pink lipstick you want to get to brighten up your face or which man you want to go on a date with. You don’t care what you do for a career, as long as you can get through each day at your job, and you certainly don’t have time to think about the direction of your career, and your ability to provide enough of an income to buy all the things you desire in life. 
Materials? Yes, the above can be, but they are also decisions about life that most healthy people make on a daily basis. You simply forget about YOU in a health crisis. You really do. Life becomes taking pain medicine to rid yourself of pain, praying the next ER trip is a week off, wondering if you will live to see 35, and begging God to take it all away and make life what it used to be. I can’t remember the last time I sat around thinking about all the things I mentioned, but last night I laid in bed unable to sleep as my mind raced through some of those topics. I can think again, I can make decisions again, I have freedom again. 
I read in a book tonight that the truth about most of us is that we are happy with what we have, even if we don’t know it. When life as we know it changes, we beg for the old life. I did that. I know. So tonight I am appreciating life. Is it perfect? No. But I haven’t had this close to perfect in a very long time. I didn’t even know that this beautiful life was going on around me the past 3 years. I think I tried to tune it out. Tonight I talked to my Dad on the phone about my weekend at my condo. I could not stop crying when we talked about how happy I was and how long I had looked forward to doing the simple things I did this weekend. 
Where am I now? Thinking about doing this surgery? DO IT!
May 16th marks my 3 month anniversary of the transplant. Everyday is better than I ever would have dreamed possible. I have no pancreas pain and absolutely no phantom pain (I have not felt pancreas pain since the morning I went into surgery). I check my blood sugar 4 or sometimes an OCD amount, depending. I make mistakes I never thought I would make with my new gift. I eat chocolate sometimes, or I have an occasional glass of wine, or carb overdose, whoops. I call eating a novelty that just hasn’t worn off yet. Mostly I am disciplined and I follow a diabetic diet of sorts, although I have some room to improve. I am only on fast acting insulin, because I do not need more than usually 4 units total a day. The doctors say if I ever need 10 units a day then I need to switch to a long acting insulin that will cover my whole day. Currently I would be too low (diabetes talk for my blood sugar would be at a constant low) if I did switch to that plan, but time will tell. I pray my islet cells understand why I had to move them from their cozy little nest in the pancreas and transplant them into my liver. I pray the hostile liver is treating their new tenants with love and respect so they can grow and prosper. If not, well then I will cross that bridge when I come to it. 
I got off insulin for 5 days. It was great not needing shots, not having to worry as much. However, as I began really eating, I mean like the portions I used to eat, I had to get back on it. It’s okay, but I won’t lie, I had a very human moment that I did what I used to cringe at other patients doing, and I complained about the insulin. I mean what an ungrateful bleeeeeep! But hey, only God is perfection:-) I am weaning off all medications for pain and am so PROUD of myself for this. I mean the most proud out of all the things I have overcome during this battle. If you have ever been on a pain med you know how hard it can be to stop taking it, even if you are on them for severe pain. I have "weaned" down to almost nothing and am continuing at great speed. My docs said to take it slow with the weaning because pain is there and still present due to the surgery, and my pain doc agreed. However, I had a different idea. I wanted to be done asap and told the pain doc this. He always hugs me when I come in and laughs at my drive and determination, yet I know he appreciates and admires it too. He has helped me through some horrible times, and now he is seeing my life turn around. The kind of stuff you become a doctor for, so I am glad I can provide a bright appointment. By the end of May I should be off all meds. The day that happens, I will be throwing a PARTY! It is a HUGE accomplishment.

1 comment:

  1. That is the happy kind of post I love to read from you. I look forward to posts about the perfect pink lipstick and some very hot dates. Love ya!!

    ReplyDelete

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