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A New Day

Sunday, February 5, 2012

This weekend was a rough one, and my blog post from yesterday was too negative so I won't be able to post it. I looked back and re-read it and instantly became upset with myself. I promised myself that I would search for the good in every day, and that I would always remember that my life is BEAUTIFUL no matter what happens. I have blessings that no one can take away from me, not even this evil pancreas that is making me so sick.

My blessings begin with my family, that is something that I am so lucky and thankful to have. I have said it a thousand times, but my parents are really there for me through every time of my life and I would be lost without them. My faith is also a blessing. I have been diving deeper into my faith than I ever would have imagined. My personal journey has taken a few turns and it is something that I am worthy of and proud to have.

This weekend I had to double my pain medication (after checking with my pain doctor) because my pain was so bad. It started Wednesday and I was determined to stay out of the E.R. until my long hospital visit for my surgery. I think something in the medication makes your mind a little funny, maybe it is my fault, or maybe it is the medicine. I want to blame the medicine! No way can I be having these crazy thoughts all on my own. I threw myself a huge party where I would cry myself to sleep on Saturday night. I am not proud of it, but I feel not mentioning this struggle would be lying and I am trying to help others who have HP and need to have surgery by being honest and sharing my struggles.

My pancreas has hurt since Wednesday. I get relief with my pain pills, but hate that I have doubled the dose within the past week. I have been living off of them and still get pain in my back and the pit of my stomach. I think pain wears a person out, mentally as well as physically. I feel the pain is where my "cry party" began. I looked on Facebook at all of my friends and acquaintances who were posting pictures from the Phoenix Open. I literally had tears streaming down my face looking at Facebook! It was to the point that I was unable to look at Facebook for the rest of the weekend because it made me so upset. Seems silly, right? I still can't place why this made me so upset. I have gotten used to staying home when  my friends all go out, yet this weekend it really bothered me more than most.

My heart had a little bruise on it this weekend as well, which didn't help and everything just made me upset by Saturday. I had been hoping for a good thing and took a chance, which I probably did not need to do two weeks before my surgery. Usually I am fine when things don't work out the way I want them, but this time I was really upset. I think I just felt like I was drowning in life this weekend. I told my mom I wanted to snap out of my life and into the pictures of one of my friends lives on Facebook. I don't want that looking back, I just had a bad weekend. Sometimes I feel that this sickness has taken a lot of the past three years from me. It has made it really hard to date anyone, as most 25ish year old guys freak out when you even mention the word "hospital" and undoubtedly once I began dating someone I would end up in the hospital. It has taken my freedom (to travel, live alone, do things I want to do), my desire to go out with friends on the weekends, my ability to work in the profession I chose, and this weekend it took away my happiness.

The only thing that makes me feel better sometimes is God. Nothing else can help, not my Mom, my family, my friends, shopping, or even getting a manicure (I won't lie- it can help sometimes, I did this on Saturday too) can fix some of these things I feel. Here is a thought that makes me so hopeful for the future.

"Difficult things we have endured in our past prepare us for God's blessing in the future." -Joyce Meyer

I read this in my book and it is so true. God may ask you to face trials so that you will learn to appreciate all of the blessings He will give you in your life. So if you are feeling blue or like nothing is going right in your life, maybe it isn't. Maybe you are being tested and asked to get through a rough period in your life so that you can learn to enjoy the blessings you will receive later. It is a warm and comforting thought, isn't it?
(A much more uplifting and positive message with fun pictures to come tomorrow- I am off to bed to get rid of this yucky weekend and move on!)

2 comments:

  1. Hey girl, I just wanted to let you know that it is totally OK to have a bad day. It is ok to write a post and not want to share it. It's ok to be upset and angry. God gave us those emotions too. These are low times and definitely not fun times, but I really think God uses these times to help us SO SO SO much! They help us rely more fully on Christ, and they allow us to see our blessings in a new way. I hate that you had to have a bad weekend :( but I do hope you felt God's strength during the past few days. I think it is important for us to realize that our strength does come from him and that He is ENOUGH. Satan loves to get into our minds when we are in a "low" and he will take root in your thoughts! I have to realize the second I am letting my mind defeat me, and stop it or before I know it Satan has me so far from where I need to be! I hope some of this helps and doesn't feel like I'm being preachy!
    I do know for a fact that these hard days will come fewer and farther between, and that is when you will notice God is there by your side instead of under neath you carrying you. He will give you the tools to handle these situations, but He will walk by you for when new trials arise. Love you!! Let me know if I can do anything else for you, until then I will be PRAYING!!!

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  2. Whiteny,

    I just wanted to say that you are one STRONG young lady....You have faced all of this adversity with such grace.......Your faith is so heartwarming....

    I found these two verses and I wanted to share them with you....."Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts" Romans 5:3-5 and "Remember I am with you always,to the end of age" Matthew 28:20...I believe in the power of prayer...it is our way of making God aware of our needs and wants....He is happy to answer our prayers.....He is our great physician and healer...He is our miracle worker and we must never forget that!

    Please know that I am praying for you and believe with all my heart that God has a wonderful plan for your life....It is going to be full of wonder, joy, love and happiness.....May Gods loving arms surround you always...

    In His Perfect Love,

    Johnna

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